What’s TMI for therapy?
I can’t tell you the number of times that sex and masturbation have come up in therapy sessions with clients over the years.
Without fail, the person sitting across from me will mention that they want to talk about something, but aren’t sure how to bring it up. Cheeks redden, eyes look away, and confident voices become barely audible mumbles.
My client often sheepishly apologizes and says, “I know this is probably too much information.” But with gentle encouragement and sometimes a little bit of humor, they’re usually able to share their difficulty and we can process it just like we would with any of their other life stressors.
Nora experienced sexual trauma that led to a physical inability to have sex with her partner.
George struggled to maintain an erection due to his depression and medications.
Xander worried that he was overly reliant on porn, which was causing conflict in his marriage.
Beatrice had never experienced an orgasm and felt frustrated by her lack of experience and limited knowledge of her body.
Sex is an intrinsic part of being human for many of us. So why does it feel so taboo or embarrassing to bring it up with your therapist? Why are we so ashamed of this aspect of our lives? And are there any subjects that are actually too much information for therapy?
From my perspective as a therapist, one of my main roles is to hold space for my clients to be able to openly discuss anything that’s weighing on them. This could include any number of topics - including sex and sexuality, suicide, intrusive thoughts, or abuse. Therapists are trained to be nonjudgmental and curious about any topic a client wants or needs to discuss. So when clients are open and honest in the therapy session, it often leads to rich, meaningful discussions that can greatly improve their quality of life and help them better understand themselves.
Sure, it may not be comfortable at first. But most hard conversations aren’t comfortable or easy in the beginning. Your comfort will only grow when you take the risk to be vulnerable with the right people, and as a result, find acceptance and understanding.
*Something to know - therapists are legally required to act if there are imminent concerns for your safety or the safety of someone else.
Here are some ideas for how you might bring up an uncomfortable subject with your therapist:
Email your therapist and simply say something like, “I’m not sure how to bring this up to you, but at our next session, I’d like to talk about the flashbacks I’m having during sex.” Your therapist should be able to help guide the conversation from there.
Write down all your thoughts and bring them to your next session for your therapist to read. They don’t even have to make total sense! Just jot down whatever comes to mind without judgment.
Share the feelings you’re experiencing related to this subject, not the subject itself. You can start by exploring these feelings first, which might help you build up to feeling more comfortable talking directly about the subject. You might try saying, “There’s something that’s been on my mind. I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it specifically yet, but I wanted to let you know I’m having a lot of anxiety and shame whenever I think about bringing it up with you.”’
So, is there something that’s been on your mind, but you’ve avoided bringing it up with your therapist? Are you afraid of what they’ll say? I encourage you to take the leap! You might be surprised to see how much progress you can make on the other side of those tough conversations.
*Disclaimer: This post is not meant to be used as medical advice or a replacement for therapy. My content is for educational and entertainment purposes only. All names are fictional and do not represent actual clients.